Holding On
by SpikeLover7
Summary: Contains SPOILERS. After Thea gets hit by a stray bullet and ends up in a coma, Oliver kidnaps her from the hospital and puts her on an ARGUS jet headed for Nanda Parbat, hoping to save her life. Between losing Roy and facing the thought of losing his sister, too, Oliver's barely holding it together. When Felicity tries to comfort him, he finds that he can't shut her out anymore.


**AN:** Based off of loose spoilers and speculation concerning episodes 3x19-3x21, particularly Stephen Amell's comment that his favorite scenes in 3x20 take place "on a jet." For the purposes of this story, assume that Felicity and Ray have already broken up (because it's bound to happen eventually).

* * *

**Holding On**

Oliver sits alone at a table in what looks to be a small conference room. The thrumming of the engines of the jumbo jet he's borrowed from A.R.G.U.S. has the floor vibrating rhythmically underneath him, and he finds it almost soothing. He concentrates on the gentle humming as his mind wanders over the events that have brought him here.

_Roy put on the hood that night to distract the police – who'd been hunting the Arrow for weeks – and to buy Oliver some time. In the end, his heroics bought Oliver nothing but pain…and they bought Roy a death at the hands of a cop with an itchy trigger finger, who could only see the Arrow and not the boy under the hood. Captain Lance apparently tried to stop him, knowing full well that Roy was the boy in red and not the man in green, but he was too late._

_In the end, Roy's sacrifice had been for nothing. Somehow, Captain Lance found out that Oliver was the Arrow, and he discovered the Foundry and all the evidence it had to implicate him. Oliver went to jail, and was then rescued by none other than Malcolm Merlyn and Thea, who'd had to beg a father she hated for help saving her brother. They made it out of the precinct, and Oliver thought they were home free. But then a bullet came, flying out of nowhere, and hit Thea in the head. Oliver rushed her to the hospital, still alive, but she fell into a coma. The doctors told him she'd never wake up._

_Oliver's world fell apart that night. After stumbling into the hallway, throwing up his dinner, and collapsing against the wall, he went back to the only place he could think to go where the police wouldn't find him: his second hideout. And that's where Diggle and Felicity found him hours later, eyes dry and a plan to save his sister already formed in his mind._

_The following night, he and Malcolm Merlyn broke into the hospital, dressed as the Arrow and the Dark Archer, and stole both Thea and the equipment needed to keep her alive. They met little resistance on their way out the door, stopped only by a few nurses too scared to intervene and two security guards who ended up unconscious on the floor in seconds. They wheeled Thea to the roof, put her in a helicopter piloted by Diggle and stolen from Ray, and flew her to the nearest A.R.G.U.S. headquarters. There they transferred her to a jet Oliver had convinced Amanda Waller to let him borrow, hooking her up in the medical quarters before taking off. _

_Oliver sat with Thea for awhile, talking to her about nothing, telling her his favorite stories about when they were kids. Then he left her alone with Merlyn and wandered off, hoping to find somewhere he could be by himself; somewhere he could think about what he would say to Ra's Al Ghul when they finally reached Nanda Parbat…and the healing waters of its pools. _

"Oliver?"

Her soft voice pulls him out of his silent reverie, and his heart skips a beat, just like it does every time she enters a room.

"How are you feeling?" Felicity asks him quietly, taking a few steps toward where he sits at the table.

"I'm fine," he says automatically, though he's anything _but_ fine and he's certain that she knows it. "I just want to be alone."

For almost a year, Oliver has cut himself off from everyone, but most especially from Felicity. He's insisted on being alone, telling himself it's for the best; that it's to protect those he cares about. But now, sitting on the A.R.G.U.S. jet with his sister dying a few rooms away – flying closer and closer to the one place that can heal her but may change his whole life forever – Oliver finds that the words "I just want to be alone" are a complete and utter lie.

The realization shocks him a bit, and some of his surprise must show on his face, because instead of leaving, Felicity steps closer to him.

"Oliver, for a man with a secret identity, you're a _terrible_ liar."

She's right next to him now, close enough to reach out and touch him, and when she makes the last move to put her hand on his shoulder he pushes his chair away from the table and stands, taking a few steps back from her. It's an automatic response, borne from so many months of keeping a physical distance from her. She flinches slightly at his sudden movement and drops her arm.

"Oliver…I won't make you talk to me if you don't want to," she says, taking his cue and keeping her distance. But as she continues, she keeps her gaze firmly locked on his, and Oliver feels the intensity of it from across the room. "But…I just want you to know that I'm here. If you…if you need anything. If there's anything that I can do. I just…I just want to help you."

She takes one tentative step toward him, and Oliver tells his feet to move, but they won't. She takes another step and Oliver just stares at her. He wants to say something, anything, to dispel the look of concern in her eyes, but he can't get his voice to cooperate.

Finally, Felicity sighs and turns away.

"I'll leave you alone, then," she says quietly. She doesn't sound angry, or bitter; she sounds defeated.

And then her feet are carrying her toward the door, and something shifts inside Oliver. His world shrinks down until all he can see is her, walking away, and he knows, suddenly and without a doubt, that the last thing in the world that he wants right now is for her to leave.

"Wait," he begs, and she stops, back still turned to him. "Don't go."

When she finally turns around, his breath catches in his throat. The room feels like it's spinning around him, and he focuses on her, uses her to ground himself. He takes a few steps toward her. He stops when he's close enough to reach out and touch her, but he doesn't. Instead he talks, and he finds that once he starts he can't stop.

"Everything is so screwed up. Ever since the duel with Ra's, ever since…ever since Lian Yu…it feels like my whole life is falling apart."

She stands quietly, letting him talk, and he keeps his eyes fixed on hers even as the room around him falls out of focus and his chest grows tight. "I've lost everything. Just when I think there's nothing left to lose, the universe finds something else to take from me. My father, my mother. Tommy. Sara. Now I've lost the Foundry, and my city, and…and Roy. And now I'm about to lose my sister, too?"

"She's not gone yet, Oliver," Felicity responds firmly. "We can still save her."

"Yeah, by making a deal with the man who's probably the reason she's dying in the first place?"

Felicity doesn't have a response to that, and Oliver shakes his head and continues, feeling suddenly dizzy.

"I can't lose her, Felicity. I can't lose anyone else. I can't…it's like I'm drowning. I feel like I'm drowning, and I can barely keep my head above water. I can't think, I can't breathe, I can't-"

And it's true. He _can't_ breathe, and he really _does_ feel like he's drowning. He gasps for air and feels like he can't get any.

A panic attack. He's having a panic attack. He hasn't had one in years.

Suddenly, her voice cuts through the fog surrounding him.

"Hey," Felicity whispers soothingly. She reaches out and gently grabs his hands, one in each of her own. Oliver flinches, and he wants to pull away like he's done before, afraid that if he touches her he'll never be able to let her go…but he can't. He's barely holding on, and her firm grasp is like a lifeline, and he clings to it.

"It's okay," she says gently. "Deep breaths, okay?" She inhales deeply through her nose, then lets her breath out slowly through her mouth. She does it again, gripping his hands tighter, and the third time he copies her. In, out. In, out. He matches his breathing to hers, focusing on the rise and fall of her chest, the feel of her hands covering his. His eyes never leave hers.

Eventually, his heart stops racing and his breathing slows down. The tight band around his chest loosens, and Oliver feels suddenly shaky and weak.

"Come on," Felicity says, and she leads him over to a couch at the edge of the room. He collapses onto it, and she sits down next to him.

They sit in silence, and Oliver stares down at their hands, still entwined.

When he finally finds the strength to speak, he looks up into her eyes and feels his heart clench in his chest. "How do you do that?" he asks her quietly.

"Do what?" she asks, shifting slightly next to him so she can face him.

"How do you always know what I need?"

Felicity smiles. "Well, I am a _genius_, you know," she says with a laugh.

Oliver can't help it, and he laughs, too. He feels lighter, but only for a second, before the rumbling of the jet reminds him of why they're here; of where they're going. To Nanda Parbat. To save his sister, who lies dying in the small medical quarter of the jet, with Malcolm Merlyn holding her hand. To save his sister like he couldn't save Roy.

"Hey," Felicity whispers, sensing the change in his mood. She scoots closer to him, her knees brushing up against his, and this time he doesn't flinch, or pull away, or run.

"Thea's not gone yet, Oliver. She's still here. We can still save her. And _we will_. _That's_ what you have to focus on. The people who are still here. The people who still care about you. Thea, Diggle, Laurel…."

She keeps a firm hold on his right hand but lets go of his left. She reaches up to grab his arm, right near the crook of his elbow, and she squeezes it tightly.

"And _me_. I'm still here."

"Felicity…." He whispers her name like a prayer, like a plea.

"I'm _here_, Oliver," she responds firmly, gripping his arm tighter.

He'll never get tired of the way she says his name.

"Felicity."

And he'll never get tired of saying hers. Ever.

An image pops into his mind unbidden. Slade Wilson, pacing his cell on Lian Yu and uttering her name the same way he must have heard Oliver uttering it that night in the mansion. The way Slade said her name made his blood run cold, but it didn't scare him nearly as much as the next words to leave his mouth.

_"How many people can Oliver Queen lose before there is no more Oliver Queen?"_

It hits him hard, right then and there, sitting next to her on that uncomfortable couch, that he can't push her away anymore. He can't lose her. He's lost so much already, so many people, and now he might lose his sister, and he can't lose Felicity, too. Losing her would break him forever, and he knows it, deep down in his heart that's already been broken too much.

He utters his next words without even thinking.

"Please don't leave me," he begs, voice breaking, and he chokes back a sob. Oliver's never felt more vulnerable in his life, and it scares the hell out of him. He doesn't just want to be with Felicity, he _needs _her, and he's never felt this way before.

She lets go of his arm and reaches between them, holding both of his hands tightly between her own. "I won't," she assures him, squeezing his hands tightly, but it's not enough. God help him, it's not enough.

"Promise me?"

"Oliver…." She looks like she's going to cry. "I'll do whatever I can to stay, but…you know I can't promise that nothing's going to happen to me."

Oliver shakes his head. He turns his gaze back to their hands, feeling overwhelmed, and the tears he's been holding at bay finally fall. He's held it together for so long. For the team, for the mission…for her…and he can't do it anymore. He doesn't have the strength. He's coming apart at the seams, and the only thing still holding him together is _her._

"Oliver…look at me."

He can't. He can't meet her eyes. He's ashamed of himself, ashamed at his weakness. Quiet tears fall in earnest now and he can't do anything to stop them.

"Oliver, _please._"

She lets go of him, and Oliver gasps at the loss of contact, feeling suddenly cold. But then she reaches up and grabs his face between her hands. She pulls his head up, forces him to look at her, and when his gaze meets hers he can see tears shining in her eyes, but she's strong, and she holds it together.

Gently, ever so gently, Felicity brushes her fingertips over his cheeks, wiping away his tears, and a sob escapes his chest against his will. He closes his eyes and the tears fall harder, but she's there to stop them. He takes a deep breath, then another. Finally, when he feels like he can do what she asked him to without falling to pieces, he opens his eyes.

Felicity smiles fondly at him, and Oliver swears she's never looked more beautiful.

"You know I can't promise that nothing is going to happen to me. But there is one thing I _can _promise you."

She leans in slowly, like she doesn't want to startle him, and when he doesn't pull away she closes the distance between them, shuts her eyes, and kisses him. It's a soft kiss, tender and gentle, but something lights up inside of Oliver; like there's a darkness somewhere inside him he hasn't been able to dispel, and she's the only one who can. Oliver closes his eyes. He doesn't kiss her back, but only because he's too busy focusing on the feel of her. Her lips pressed softly against his, the warmth of her touch, her hands still cradling his face.

Eventually she pulls away, and Oliver sighs. She lets go of his face and grabs his hands again. When he opens his eyes, he finds her still smiling at him, and he smiles back. He wonders briefly if the kiss was the promise, but she doesn't give him the chance to ask.

"I love you, Oliver."

He stares at her in silence for a second…then two…and then three. He loses count of how long he stares at her, trying to process what she's said. When it finally hits him, harder than the waves on the beach of Lian Yu, he finds himself speechless. He clings to the three little words, holds them close to his heart, and instead of drowning he feels like he could fly.

He doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything. Instead he reaches up, grabs her face between his hands, and leans in to her…only this time, she meets him half way.

And finally, _finally_, they kiss _each other_. Oliver loses himself in the kiss, all other thought erased from his mind. He pulls away only when he needs to breathe, and when he does he lets go of her face, wraps his arms around her, and pulls her into a tight hug. When she hugs him back, Oliver buries his face in her neck and lets himself fall apart.

This time, when he starts to cry, he doesn't feel ashamed. He feels her arms holding him tight. Feels one hand on the back of his head, the other rubbing soothing circles on his back. Feels her breath tickle the hair on his neck when she whispers, "It's okay."

Oliver holds on to her tight, and he doesn't let go.

_…the end…_

* * *

**End AN:** All of this is speculation based on the tidbits and spoilers floating around the Internet recently. While I don't really know who's going to die in 3x19, my money is on Roy, even though I REALLY don't want it to be him. I also don't know WHAT'S going to send Oliver back to Nanda Parbat, but I'm pretty sure he'll be going back there.

That being said, while I don't really know that any of the DETAILS behind this story will actually happen on the show, I firmly believe that something along the lines of what happens between Oliver and Felicity here WILL happen on the show. I think Oliver will have some kind of breakdown and Felicity will help him through it. Also, I would bet real money that Felicity says "I love you" to Oliver on the jet in 3x20.


End file.
